note to reader: this is messy, it’s more a checkpoint for myself. and for anyone else that needs it.

My friends and mentors would describe me as ambitious. I would too. I always have been. I really like to win, and I’ll set goals, execute plans, and make sacrifices to make sure that happens. (Think what you see on my LinkedIn). And I don’t say that to brag, in any way, that is not my intention. Because I’m not the best out there. I do try my hardest though. Anyways, I say it because in some way, that defines me. I honestly like being known as someone who knows what they want and goes for it.

But as time goes on, I’ve felt like I’m falling short of that label. Like I’m not living up to the version of me I worked so hard to become. Almost as if the level of accomplishments I have achieved doesn’t line up with what my future will look like. And it’s weird because I haven’t gotten worse at anything. If anything, I’ve grown more self-aware, more thoughtful, and more skilled. But something’s changed. I don’t want the same things anymore. Not in the same way.

So instead of beating myself up for that, I’ve decided to change the definition in my head.

Merriam-Webster defines ambitious as “having or showing a strong desire and determination to succeed.” And honestly? That still sounds like me. But maybe the definition of “success” is the part that needs rewriting.

For most of my life, I equated ambition with building a future that looked good on paper. Dream schools. Big-name internships. Being a partner at a big consulting firm in NYC. And of course, lots of money. In another life, maybe this would look like me being a silicon valley startup founder, a software engineer at Google, a neurosurgeon, or a lawyer with a skyline view and sharp suits (yes yes, very Harvey Specter coded).

And yeah, those paths are powerful. They require real skill, grit, and intention. But when I really zoom out, like really, really zoom out, I can’t help but wonder: in the grand, chaotic, beautiful mess that is the world… does any of that actually matter? (And does it matter if it matters?)

Like, cosmically?

Probably not.

And that thought used to scare me. Because I’ve always wanted my life to mean something.

But now I think… maybe it’s kind of freeing. If none of it is guaranteed to matter universally, then maybe the best thing I can do is pursue the things that matter to me. That feel good in my own little corner of the universe.

It’s not that I’ve lost my ambition. I think I’m just learning that ambition can look different than I thought it had to. And that realization kind of scares me. Because I don’t know what it looks like anymore. I don’t know what it’s supposed to amount to, you know? It hasn’t fully clicked. 

Because part of me still wants the “big” life. The empire. The cool title. The impressive LinkedIn. The power suit. The control. The rush. I love business. Like genuinely love it. It lights something up in me. I think I’m addicted to the idea of creating things. Of turning nothing into something. That’s why I love building businesses, and also why I love art, and writing. I think I’m just wired to make stuff.

Ambition, for me, has started to mean something quieter. Softer. Less tied to external proof. I don’t know if that’s growth or just fatigue, but either way, it’s real.

And I’m not saying I’ve figured it out. I’m still always going to give it my all. I still want to build something. I still want to go places. But lately, I think those places might look less like boardrooms and more like moments. Moments of presence, peace, connection.

I think about that quote from Dead Poets Society a lot:

“Medicine, law, business, engineering—these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love—these are what we stay alive for.”

How do we balance these?

I also think about a post on @secondhandneel’ s story that said:

“What if your markers of success were how well you slept at night?
How many books you read?
How easily you laughed?
How much time you spent storytelling, feeling warm in the arms and homes of people you adore?”

I read that over and over. Because yeah. What if?

Why is that not the standard for success? Why do I feel guilty for wanting a life that feels warm and full and soft, instead of one that’s sharp and structured and shiny? Why do those two feel like they can’t coexist?

Sometimes I feel like I’m standing between two lives, and whichever one I pick means saying no to the other. Like you can’t be grounded and peaceful and creative and be a corporate powerhouse with a million dollar business. It’s like they don’t belong in the same story. And I’m not better at one than the other. I’m equally pulled and equally lost. That’s where I get stuck.

On top of that, I also have to keep reminding myself that I’m literally just 20. I’m not supposed to have this all figured out. I know that. But I feel like I’m supposed to. And that disconnect is exhausting.

And I guess that’s what this is. A note to myself. A reminder that I don’t need to be building a huge company to be ambitious. That ambition can mean wanting to create something that resonates, something honest and human. It can mean helping a small business grow, or simply just having goals that are different.  Ambition doesn’t disappear just because the shape of it has changed. But for some reason, that’s a tough idea to live with. 

Buddhism says that desire and attachment are the root of suffering. And honestly, yeah, I think about that a lot. About how peace doesn’t always come from achieving more, but from needing less. From being okay with what is instead of chasing what could be. I’m not there yet. I probably never will be fully. But I want to get closer.

So no, I haven’t lost my ambition. It’s still here. It just looks different now. It’s not less than. It’s just… different. More personal. Less about conquering the world and more about becoming someone I respect and genuinely find cool (even though I already do right now, but I feel like cookie dough that needs to bake- not sure if that comparison made sense but it’s the first thing that came into my mind). 

And if I forget again, which I will, I hope I come back to this. This version of me who’s uncertain yet ambitious, all in one.

Because redefining ambition doesn’t mean giving up. It means making space for what truly matters to you.

And that’s a kind of success I’m starting to believe in.

“Slow down you’re doing fine. You can’t be everything you want before your time.”
– Billy Joel

Hopefully this puts you on Billy Joel if you’re not already. Totally unrelated but a list of my favs by him:

1. She’s Always A Woman
2. Piano Man
3. The Longest Time
4. Only The Good Die Young
5. Vienna
6. Uptown Girl