about the person i look up to, whether an idol, a mentor, a parent, a peer.

i watched you
like people watch fires,
with awe,
with stillness,
with the kind of attention
that forgets to blink

you made life look so easy
like loving was your first language
like you were born knowing how to light up a room
and leave it warmer than before

i noticed how you moved
how you spoke
how you seemed to belong in every room
without ever having to try

you were what i imagined peace might look like
if it ever took the shape of a person

and then
one day
you tripped over your words
got quiet instead of kind
looked tired, unsure,
almost small

and it hit me
you’re just
human

not a lighthouse,
not a secret,
not the answer i thought you were

just someone
figuring it out too
just like I am

and suddenly I saw it everywhere,
the way you forgot birthdays,
left messages on read,
said things you didn’t mean,
and apologized too late

the way you laughed when you were nervous,
got overwhelmed in crowds,
hid your hurt behind sarcasm,
and sometimes shut down completely

all the little cracks,
the pieces you tried to smooth over,
the ways you hoped no one would notice.

and that truth…
it hit me harder than i expected

because the person i’d put on a pedestal
was just as flawed, uncertain, and real as me

and all that hope i had,
the perfect version, the light i thought i could follow,
was never really there

it was a story i told myself
to make sense of wanting more

and now that story feels like it’s unraveling
and i’m left wondering

if the dream i chased so hard
was never really mine to begin with