I’d consider myself a pretty social person. I like people. I talk to strangers, I love dancing, staying out late, all of it. I’ve never really been the sit-in-the-corner type. But even in the middle of a crowd, I feel alone a lot.
I don’t drink. I’ve never even tried it. I’m underage, yeah, but that’s not even the main reason. I just don’t feel the pull.
It’s always the same conversation:
“You’ve never drank? Like, not even once?”
I say no.
They blink.
Then laugh and go, “That’s honestly a good thing. I wish I was like that,” right before pouring themself another shot.
The thing is, I don’t think of it as this big moral stance. I’m not trying to be “that girl” who’s better than the party. I just don’t want to drink. Not out of fear, just disinterest.
Still, it’s hard. Especially in college, where drinking is how people hang out, how they make memories. And when everyone’s four drinks in, they’re on a different level. I can laugh with them, talk with them, dance with them, but I can’t go there. I’m not in on the joke. I’m not in the memory. And sometimes, that stings more than I expect it to
I want to tell you two (real) stories to show you what I mean.
Night One.
It was a random day. Maybe a Thursday? Or a Friday? I can’t really remember. Anyways, I’d just gotten back from playing basketball with a couple of friends, and one of them, let’s call her Pumpkin, said we should watch a movie later. I hadn’t seen her in a while because we both got busy, but I considered her one of my closest friends so I was excited. She told me to pick out the movie in the lounge while she went to the bathroom, and would be right back.
I waited. Ten minutes. Then twenty. I texted her. No reply. I stayed there for like forty minutes. Eventually, I ran into the guy whose room she’d gone into earlier to take a shot. He just said, “Oh, she’s in my room drinking.” Like it was obvious.
And I know it’s not that deep. I know she just got distracted and chose something else. But I think the part that hurt wasn’t that she drank, it was that I didn’t matter enough for a text. “Hey, I’m at ____’s room now!” Or “Hey! Can we take a rain check?” would take approximately 10 seconds. I felt like just a placeholder, easy to forget.
I didn’t say anything or bother to call her out. But I think part of me shut down a little towards that friendship after that. I just felt… unimportant in her eyes.
And this isn’t an isolated event. At far too many events, parties, even casual hangouts, I’ve seen people crave alcohol as if watching a movie, playing a game with your friends, going for a swim, or whatever else, can’t be fun without it.
It may seem like I hate alcohol fiends (although why you obsess something that literally hurts you, I’ll never understand). But anyways, I don’t. Some of my bestest friends in the world are alcohol fiends. And they’ve shown me the other side of this.
Night Two.
This one was different. Just a chill pregame with a few people in my friend’s dorm before heading out to a party. Nothing too crazy, some of us were drinking, some weren’t, and it was refreshing to see that no one batted an eye either way.
One of my friends, let’s call him Zucchini, was drinking a good amount, and so was one of his other friends who I had only met a few times. But they were sweet. Funny. Thoughtful. They included me in pictures. Asked me questions. Laughed with me like I wasn’t some separate sober observer, but just another person there.
Our other friend, calling him Carrot, was also there, he wasn’t drinking, but he was being just as fun, energetic, making everyone laugh, being his usual silly self. He didn’t need alcohol to be magnetic. And the people who were drinking didn’t act like they needed it either. That’s what made it feel easy, the fact that no one was acting like the alcohol mattered more than the people in the room.
(Also quick note but since these are real stories, if any of you are reading this and recognize yourself, hi! :))
At the actual party, it was more of the same, they included me. I wasn’t just tagging along, I was part of it. Later, when Zucchini and his friend got super drunk, I helped take care of them. And I didn’t mind. Normally, I HATE that, babysitting people who don’t know their limits. But that night, I didn’t feel burdened. I felt like I was just looking out for people I cared about. I think this night stuck in my brain because for once, it felt mutual. They had looked out for me too, in a different way, earlier that night.
I keep thinking about those two nights. Yeah, both involved alcohol, technically, but what actually mattered was how people made me feel.
Night One made me feel invisible.
Night Two reminded me I didn’t have to be.
Same substance. Different outcomes.
It’s not that alcohol’s the villain, or that being sober makes you a saint. Carrot wasn’t drinking either, and he lit up the room like he always does. But Zucchini was drinking, and he still checked in, still made space for me, still treated me like a full person.
So no, the point isn’t who drank and who didn’t.
The point is that it’s never really about the alcohol. It’s about people. How they act when they’re drinking. How they act when they’re not. How they make others feel. That’s the real difference.
I’m not asking to be babied. I’m used to handling situations like these. And I know, this isn’t some life-shattering heartbreak. The real world is colder, people are harsher, and no one’s going out of their way to include you just because they should.
But that’s why this kind of stuff matters.
Because if you can’t be decent to your friends when it’s easy, when the music is playing and everyone’s young and everything feels light, what are you gonna do when it’s hard?
Drink if you want. Have your fun. Live wildly while you’re young. But don’t use alcohol as an excuse to forget who you are.
You don’t get more real when you’re drunk. You just get less careful.
Call me a hater if you want, I don’t care, but if the real you only shows up when you’re three shots in, maybe you’ve been lying to yourself about who you actually are.
A note to the reader:
If you drink, this wasn’t a dig at you. Some of my favorite people do, and they do it responsibly, kindly, and with care for the people around them. This was never about the drinking itself. It’s about how we treat each other in the spaces where drinking happens. That’s all.
And if you don’t, you’re not boring or uptight or doing it wrong. You’re allowed to want different things, that doesn’t make you any less a part of it. And if you’re friends make you feel like that, find new friends. (My insta is @therivagallery, text me!)
the riva gallery 