Rose: I made a new friend! I used to do this a lot when I was abroad, and I missed that. Granted the opportunity is higher when studying abroad as everyone is trying to meet new people, and the environment of a city definitely helps. Nevertheless, good to be meeting new people.

Bud: I’M SO EXCITED FOR AUSTIN. Twin and I WILL make the most of this trip.

Thorn: Only have 3 classes left as a TA. Gonna miss it and the prof:(( Tim is actually the goat.

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Another stream of consciousness! I haven’t done one in a while, and I figured this topic lend itself well to this. Recently, I hung out with a friend and I asked him for his top 3 hobbies. He listed teaching as one of them, and said he just enjoyed being beloved by his students. Someone his students look up to I suppose? (if you’re reading this, please call me out if I’m butchering your point). I told him that I enjoyed mentoring others too, but mostly because it fed my ego, and then doubled down and said that was true for pretty much everyone. I definitely got push back but after discussing it for a while, we agreed that our definitions of what an “ego” is probably different in our heads. His was probably more extreme than mine, and he did bring up a good point that the scientific definition of a ego is a lot more tame than what people interpret it as conversationally. He asked if wanting to be loved/beloved is really connected to ego, and I can’t lie the question stumped me a bit. Just because my immediate thought was that love has no place for ego, but my previous statement still held true in my mind. I told him I’d get back to him, so this is that. Obviously I can’t speak on his behalf, so this is all my pov from here on out.

Scientifically speaking, in psychology, the ego isn’t just “arrogance.” it is the organized part of the personality structure that includes defensive, perceptual, intellectual-cognitive, and executive functions. It is your sense of self-location in the world.

When we mentor someone, we are engaging in several ego-affirming processes:

• Firstly, the validation of competence. Whether it’s teaching someone something, mentoring someone, someone looking up to you and reaching out, it all requires a certain level of mastery or competence in a subject matter. If someone succeeds because of your input, or even the mere fact that they want your input, confirms your own competence. It’s a feedback loop of “I know what I am doing and I’m good at it.”
• Then there could be the power dynamic of being the expert. My friend did bring this up, saying there is inherently a power dynamic there, but it’s not why he enjoys teaching. This is a fair enough point, and I’m with him 100%. Nevertheless, there is an inherent hierarchy in the mentor-mentee relationship, and the ego thrives on status. Being the “guide” places you in a position of social capital, and feels good because in the prehistoric brain, higher status equals better access to resources and safety.
• Lastly, I do believe we have a fear of being forgotten. The truth is you probably are very forgettable. Maybe not to those who are closest to you, but beyond that, people are too focused on themselves to be remembering you in a significant way. If we zoom out, this is also true even for the most influential of figures throughout history. How many times have you thought about Gandhi? Greta Thunberg? Malala? Amelia Earhart? I bet you it’s like once a year even though these are some of the most influential or memorable people in history. But that’s a whole another discussion tbh. Apologies for the tangent. Anyways, by passing on our knowledge, our expertise, the ego creates a “copy” of itself. Your ideas, your methods, part of you lives on in someone else.

Okay I feel as though that was too theoretical and scientific. It is important background, though, as the base definition of an “ego” does not equate to “arrogance”. Not at all, in my opinion. And I’m quite tired of people thinking that. Or even trying to claim that they don’t have an ego. Not only is that scientifically incorrect, but you’re just a liar. You are not a meditating, dethatched monk. You are just like anyone else and definitely have things that feed your ego, and I think it’s better if we all just be honest about it. It’ll be better for your own self-reflection. You’re 21 years old and you’ll like it when people think you’re cool, and that’s okay gang (talking to me).

Anyways, I digress. To address my friend’s point, the “beloved” point, is arguably the main purpose of writing this soc. In my opinion, I think his suggestion was that being beloved is a physiological necessity (again, if you’re reading this, correct me if I am wrong). And he would be right. I think that supports everything I said above.

I did tell him I’d get back to him on this. I don’t think I ever will tbh. Probably why I’m writing this instead. I’m still not too sure where the “need to be loved” ends and the “ego” begins. Maybe the ego is just the vessel we use to carry our need for love until we find people we trust enough to let us put it down. Or want ourselves to put it down. Maybe people like mentoring others because they can be the person they once needed, and in doing so, be beloved by their own past selves. I think both reasons are definitely true for me personally.

So, I actually have no answer but I think it’s impossible to tell. I think the conversation tripped me up so much that I’m writing this because I’m self-aware enough to admit that I love having my ego fed. I don’t depend on it to function, but I’m not going to lie, I do get an insane high from it. I’m sure most people do whether they like to admit it or not. There’s a rush that comes from being needed, wanted, loved, etc. But the distinction is that I never expect or want that ego-hit from people I love. That’s a different frequency entirely. Being loved by people you love is a pure high and it has nothing to do with my competence or my status. It just is.

I feel like the whole discussion was a bit like arguing whether a sunset is physics or poetry. It is, inconveniently, both.

It feels good to be a light for someone else. Whether that’s because I’m a saint or because I’m a narcissist feels increasingly irrelevant, as long as the light is actually on.

Let me know your thoughts.