Hi y’all (I say to my imaginary audience). Here’s a more proper stream of consciousness from when my head and heart aren’t plagued by thoughts of those who love me (ugh, homesickness) (refer to my last post if you’re confused). 

Currently I am sitting in my Services Marketing class, no matter how cool the class is, I’m bored out of my mind. While internet surfing (as one does, of course), I came across someone’s substack. Ella Wu, her name is, she’s a friend of a friend, and we went to high school together. I’m not sure if she even knows I exist, but that’s besides the point. I just went down a rabbithole of her substack page (https://elwrites.substack.com/). Genuinely some of the best, most well-written, eloquently put thoughts I have ever read in my life, and I read a lot (crazy glaze, i know, but well-deserved). Anyways, reading her blog made me sad. Don’t get me wrong, it was probably the best blog I’ve ever read. I love how deeply she thinks and loves and reflects, and this is exactly what saddened me. I don’t do this anymore. I used to, a couple months ago. Back when I was still in America. I live in Singapore for the time being, and living in the city is so so different (For context, both the places I live in America are very small towns). 

I always knew I hated the city (any city), but living here has made me understand why. I have no time to think. My days are mechanical: I wake up, plan how long I have till I need to catch the bus, put on clothes, do my makeup, usually while calling a friend or my parents back home, rush to the station, get on the crowded bus, go to class, politely interact with my classmates for group projects, grab lunch in the 15 minutes I have between classes, go to my next class, work in the library, figure out dinner plans, take the MRT to meet a friend or two, eat in a busy hawker center, do some activity or another, clean my room, shower, talk to my roommates, sleep, wake up, repeat. My apologies for the insanely long summary of my average “boring” day, but the point I’m trying to make is that city life is busy. Too busy. Everyone is always in a rush, planning their next move. Especially in Singapore. America is individualistic, sure, but people here really do keep to themselves. Here, there’s no silence. No gaps. I am a strong believer in the fact that the most interesting people are really, really, bored. They think about so much, they reflect so much, and therefore can act on these thoughts. My issue here is that I get no time to think. But I really need it. Thinking, when bored late at night, while painting, while riding my bike, while swinging (I love swinging), or while sitting in my friend’s dorm bored asf. And that’s where I get all my ideas for my blog posts from. Hence why I haven’t posted since I got here (except my ridiculously short rant on being homesick). I’ve really been trying to love this place, but this one thing will always keep me from truly feeling in place in a city. You know what the most frustrating part of this is? I yearn to think. I NEED to. I keep telling people I meet “I’m not like this at all when I’m back in America.” Of course there’s no one to verify, because no one knows both versions. But trust, it’s true. The last few months when I was in America I kept thinking about what I want to do with the rest of my life. I am a very ambitious and strong-willed person, and therefore it hurts not having anywhere to channel that to. I won’t get into the details of it here because it’s quite the tangent and possibly offensive to consultants (oops), but essentially I have an idea of what I want to do with no idea of how to do it. Hope I’m making sense.

Recently I met a guy here in Singapore. (He said he was going to read my blog, not sure that’s true, but if you are reading, then hi!) He’s Singaporean (obviously) and career-wise, I really look up to him. He’s only 22, runs his own businesses, and is so…calculated. In the best way possible, though. I admire that he already knows what he wants and is so good at making it happen. That type of clarity is truly commendable. When I asked him how he started, he shrugged: “I just did.” Probably the most simultaneously useless and useful thing anyone has ever said to me. Maybe thinking has its limits. Maybe action comes first, and clarity follows.

I do miss the kind of boredom that breeds thought. But perhaps being here has taught me a more relentless kind that’s just forcing me to act first, think later. I’m glad I wrote this, though. It’s funny that the moment I stopped to complain about not having time to think, I started thinking lol :’)

Ciao bella (I learned today from my Romanian friend who studies in Italy that it means “hello/goodbye beautiful” and I think it’s really cute hehe),

Riva