Rose: I spent the last 1.5 hours writing this sitting on the floor of the Bayfront MRT station. And then I spent 20 minutes doing my makeup and admiring myself in the full-length mirrors. It looks fire.

Bud: EXCITED FOR DINNER (refer to last post for explanation I’m too lazy to retype).

Thorn : Still sick.

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One of my favorite things about my blog (behind making me feel cool, improving my writing skills, and having an excuse to overshare online) is that I have an elaborate written record of my evolving thoughts as time goes by. This means I can go back and see how my thoughts, mindsets, and feelings have shifted towards certain topics or people. (I suppose you could too, but if you’re spending that much time on my blog we might need to find you a real hobby).

One of my favorite blog posts I’ve written to date is entitled “i love experiencing heartbreak”. Not because it’s particularly well written, but because of the sentiment it carries. I wrote it during a time when I was really fascinated by Buddhism studying it extensively. From my understanding, the Buddhists believe that everything in life is supposed to be deeply experienced. Love, joy, success, of course. But also grief, pain, confusion, agony, enhancement, inspiration, disgust, anxiety, awkwardness, boredom, horror, and everything in between. This belief just stuck with me.

And I still believe that. I think we’re here to experience the full range of being human, to stretch our hearts and minds in every direction and become more empathetic, understanding people because of it. Our purpose isn’t to maximize shareholder value at J.P. Morgan Chase (sorry JPMC). It’s to live deeply.

When I wrote about heartbreak, I was going through my first real one. It meant a lot to me. It taught me how to love, and how not to. I think your first heartbreak is a really important thing for every young person to experience. The kind that knocks the wind out of you and rearranges who you are. Even though me at 18 or 19 years old was not that long ago (I’m currently 20), I can confidently say my views on this topic have drastically changed. I think in the past few years my views have been quite naive.

It’s a little funny writing about it now, knowing he probably still reads my blog. (Hi!) (And I read his too dw). But that’s okay, it’s never that deep.

Back then, I was trying to convince myself that pain was profound. That if I just called it beautiful enough times, it would start to feel that way. I guess that’s what coping looks like when you’re 19 and don’t know much. And tbh, I still stand by what I said. I just understand it differently now. There’s a difference between finding meaning in heartbreak and forcing it to mean something while you’re still bleeding.

Here’s what I got wrong: I thought the heartbreak itself was doing the work. I thought that by feeling it intensely, by really sitting in it and letting it consume me, I was automatically becoming wiser, more empathetic, more capable of love. Like the pain was some kind of machine that produced growth as a byproduct. Feel it deeply enough, and wisdom would just… appear.

But that’s not how Buddhism works at all. The Buddhists aren’t saying “experience your emotions deeply and they will teach you things.” They’re saying “experience your emotions deeply because that’s what emotions are for – to be experienced.” The feeling and the growth are completely separate processes.

Heartbreak is just heartbreak. It’s neutral. It doesn’t make you better or worse. It doesn’t automatically hand you lessons about love or relationships or who you are. What makes you grow is what you do after – the choices you make, the patterns you notice, the behaviors you change. But I kept waiting for the pain itself to transform me, like if I just sat in it long enough, I’d emerge on the other side as someone who understood something fundamental about the human experience. You can experience heartbreak fully and learn nothing. You can also experience it fully and learn everything. The depth of the feeling doesn’t determine the outcome. They’re separate steps. And I think that’s what I was missing at 19. I thought feeling it deeply was the growth. But feeling it deeply just means you felt it deeply. The learning is a separate step you have to choose.

All those months of sitting in my heartbreak, annoying my friends, refusing to move on – I wasn’t learning anything. I was just feeling. Which is fine! That’s what you’re supposed to do! But I kept confusing the feeling with the work. And saying it out loud (or I guess writing it, may make it seem obvious, like “duh”), but it is quite hard to continuously, consciously make this distinction in your mind. The actual learning happened later, when I finally stepped back and made different choices. When I decided what to take forward and what to leave behind.

In terms of what stayed the same, I actually do love experiencing heartbreak. I still think it’s one of the most unique and human emotions we get to feel, which is so incredible. There’s something about it that’s grounding, proof that you once loved something or someone so hard and it mattered enough to leave a mark. And now I get to take that knowledge and… maybe make slightly better choices next time. Maybe. But that’s the key – I get to take it. It doesn’t just osmose into me through the act of suffering.

“You only lose what you cling to.” — Buddha

Also, my friends are relieved I finally came to this realization after months of yelling at me to cut contact and move on, yet still putting up with me anyway while I ignored all their advice and ranted nonstop. Love you guys. You can start invoicing me for therapy anytime.

Much love,
Riva